Dealing with Strong Willed Children

By Paula F. Price

"What is a parent to do?"
There are several things a parent can do to make living with, and loving, a strong willed child a better experience for the entire family.  Know that you will never be able to change you child's strong will.  What you can do is change your approach to one of understanding and team work.  If your focus is blind obedience, demanding respect and authority, you have already lost, and will continue to lose.  I am not asking you to give up your God given position of authority, I am asking you to be open to using it in a different way.

Things to do:

• Do create a routine for your child so they know what to expect regularly such as bed time, meal time, homework time, TV time, computer time, etc.

• Do be consistent in showing love, value and respect to your child.

• Do celebrate your child's successes no matter how small they seem, be positive.

• Do work together as parents to be on the same side of the battle.  A Strong willed child will use parents against each other.

• Do make a written list of rules followed by consequences for the child to sign and follow.  Be careful to be very specific in your rules and consequences because they will use your words against you with great skill.

• Do choose your battles carefully.  Most battles are not worth losing your relationship over with your child.  You must focus on the relationship rather than being or having the right to be right.  Food for thought:  in 20 years will you wish you have made the child make his bed right (the way you wanted it) or will you long for a better relationship with your child.  Choose battles wisely.

• Do discipline consistently.  Remember that your actions will speak louder than your words.  The more emotional you are in disciplining, the more they will tune you out.  The more forceful your discipline, the more they will challenge you and/or tune you out.  At that point, they would rather take physical punishment that to connect with you emotionally.  They will appear hateful at that time.

• Do talk to your child when he is not angry.  When he is angry, use very few words, show your love and concern through your actions.  The words you use are VITAL to your success.  The more negative angry words you use, the quicker you will lose your child.

• Do help your child when he needs it, but learn to help when he asks and on his terms.  Same thing is true about giving advise, ask if he wants to hear it first.  If he says no, respect it.  If he says yes, learn to speak positively so you will be safe to hear from again.

• Do look for opportunities to do fun things with your child to offset the frustrating times.  

• Pray that the Lord shows you how you can become the best parent possible to this child, understanding that you are the biggest influence on how this child will react to other and the world.